As much as the holiday season is a time of joy, celebration and gathering, let's be honest: It can also be quite painful.
Be it a breakup or divorce, death or illness, financial stress or familial estrangement, the "most wonderful time of the year" can be rife with complex and often contradictory feelings of both great joy and profound grief and loss. According to Houston Methodist Chaplain John Lind, such grief shows up in ways you might not expect.
"There is a broad range of feelings and behaviors associated with grief, and because of this, there are lots of misconceptions about what grief should look or feel like," says Lind. "One person may express their grief as deep sorrow and weeping, while others may show anger or experience feelings of numbness."
"It's also common to move through stages and experience a range of emotions as you cope with a loss," he adds. "As chaplains, we really try to meet a person where they're at in their grief for this reason."
As we approach the height of the holiday season, Lind offers the following tips for those who may be grieving a loss or wondering how they can best support their loved ones during this time.
1. Recognize the different ways grief can present itself
In its simplest terms, grief is the experience following a loss. For many of us, we mostly think of what's called uncomplicated or "normal" grief when we think of grief. In reality, there are many different types of grief, often characterized by how someone mourns, according to Lind. Some of those include:
- Uncomplicated grief – also called normal grief, includes the common feelings, behaviors and emotions associated with loss
- Complicated grief – a prolonged, intense state of grief that can prevent you from healing
- Sudden loss – intense form of grief following an unexpected loss followed by complex emotions like numbness, confusion and anger
- Traumatic grief – intense grief following a traumatic, sudden or violent death of a loved one
- Anticipatory grief – grief before an impending loss
- Disenfranchised grief – grief that is not validated or recognized
- Chronic grief – normal grief reactions that don't go away and continue over long periods of time
"Grief can be especially intense during the holidays for many reasons," says Lind. "The holiday season is often when we gather with loved ones, and there are lots of memories attached to how we spend it. When loved ones are no longer with us, the family system can shift dramatically to where other family members no longer prioritize gathering in the same way."
"We all long for some type of connection, sense of belonging and relationship, and grief can change all of those things," adds Lind.
2. Invite but don't pressure those who may be grieving
It's normal to want to spend the holidays with the people in your life, but for some, this can be quite a high expectation, especially if they're experiencing some type of grief, says Lind. He reminds us to be mindful that their mental bandwidth may be lower during this time.
"Let others know they are included, but if they decline, it's important to give space for that," says Lind. "It may also be helpful for some to invite them to an outing or to hang out one-on-one. Sometimes it's painful being in a group because a void may be felt."
3. Give yourself permission to decline invitations
If you're the person grieving and receive such an invitation, Lind stresses the importance of allowing yourself to decline invitations that may trigger certain emotions or feelings — but not to decline everything as to isolate yourself from others.
"Communal support can be helpful during the holidays, but it can also be difficult," says Lind. "Listen to what you feel you need. Give yourself permission to decline but try not to decline every invitation. Sometimes working up the courage to get out and do things is the hardest part, but when you get up and out, you realize it was actually nice to be around supportive people."
What are your boundaries? What are some of your triggers? Is there a person you feel comfortable tagging along with — or can be your escape? These are some of the questions Lind recommends asking yourself that may help you better navigate certain relationships and situations during the holidays and beyond.
4. Try out some anchoring practices
Anchoring is a mindfulness technique in which you focus your attention on a specific item, action or practice that Lind says helps you stay grounded (like an anchor) and present in the moment.
Some examples of anchoring practices include journaling your thoughts or emotions, taking nature breaks, choosing supportive people to spend time with or getting involved in your faith's traditions or observances, per Lind. It can also be something you shared with the person you lost, he says.
Whether you're grieving or not, if you're struggling to stay in the present moment and find yourself swept up in emotions of stress, panic or even disassociation from it all, Lind encourages you to try out some of these things this holiday season or make space for.
5. Balance your grief with gratitude
Besides being an anchoring practice in and of itself, finding gratitude amid sorrow and grief can be helpful, especially when you or a loved one might be experiencing anticipatory grief, such as if you think this might be a loved one's final Christmas or other celebration, says Lind.
"As you realize the 'lasts' this holiday season, find a way to prioritize time spent with that person, giving thanks and allowing yourself to feel the emotions that go along with it," he says. "At the very least, it can be a way for you to process and prepare."
6. Connect with others who may also be grieving
Grief can feel isolating, but you're probably not the only one experiencing those feelings in your circle of friends and family. Per Lind, while there are many resources out there, sometimes it may also be helpful to connect with the people who are grieving the same or similar loss to whom you can look to help navigate new things without that person.
"When it comes to grieving, it's a process to be moved through that's not necessarily linear, and a lot depends on the relationship to the person you are grieving," says Lind. "Some days you may feel completely fine, while others may be heavy. It can help to connect with some of the people who are also grieving with you. A simple text or phone call goes a long way during this time of year."
7. Know when to seek professional grief support
Sometimes, mom's advice just isn't enough; grief can feel overwhelming, and if it's something that's seriously getting in the way of living your life and you're struggling to process what you're feeling, you may benefit from a professional trained to help you navigate the types of complex emotions often associated with grief and loss, says Lind.
"Relationships are so impactful on us that grief can sometimes be overwhelming and disrupt every sense of what to do," he says. "Grief counseling can be a real difference maker and can serve as a pathway to healing and hope."
"Seeking grief support is never a sign of weakness," he adds.
(Related: How to Get the Most Out of Therapy from a Psychologist)
